Saturday, December 11, 2010

New Yorkers For Urban Cars, United

New Yorkers For Urban Cars, United!

"Moses was Right!"

NY FUC-U knows that New York's car-hating bike-loving liberals are destroying our freedom and way of life. This war on real New Yorkers must stop. Yesterday they closed Broadway; today they want bike lanes; tomorrow they want your car! And the worst part is they won't even drive it. They goofballs will probably just decorate it and turn it into some goddamned pocket park!

I, a fat stooge in a suit, have had enough! I am tired of liberals and poor people (would they be poor if they weren't liberal? Ask yourself that!) who are too stupid to buy a car like normal people do.

It's not enough to stop their so-called progress. No we must think bigger to develop the kind of city we must one: one where cars rule, pedestrians wait at red lights, and parking is free for everybody!

Certainly we need more room for cars. This is especially important today, as cars are much bigger than they were when the city was build in 1776:

1) Let us put the road back in Washington Square Park. Moses was right. The traffic has nowhere to go! This impertinent housewife inspired "experiment" in closing a park to cars has seen more than 50 years of failure. Clearly NY FUC-U are correct in demanding car access returns to Washington Square Park.

2) NY FUC-U wants to see the elimination of bike lanes. This would result in an additional 3 feet of space in existing lanes for unexpected serving. We could save lives by designing our road so drivers can text and drink coffee. Think of the children. Where bike lanes cannot be eliminated, the lanes should be merged with bus lanes and privatized.

3) Bikes should be required to bike in the opposite direction of traffic. This way bikes going the wrong way would be less troublesome.

4) Reopen Broadway to cars. While it would be best to do this without telling the people enjoying this public space, some street furniture should be removed to avoid damaging paint jobs. What is the point of so-called "public" space if cars can't drive through it? If we don't reopen Broadway, we send a message to all New Yorkers than life is possible without cars filling every bit of public space. It is a slippery slope, indeed!

5) Restart the Lower Manhattan Expressway with money being wasted on the 2nd Avenue Subway. This plan, still vital to the success of New York City, would put a beautiful 10-lane expressway through Greenwich Village, SoHo, Little Italy, Chinatown and the Lower East Side. Cars need to get from the Holland Tunnel to the Manhattan Bridge.

6) A redesigned Central Park. NY FUC-U wants to see the most efficient mixed use Central Park. Ever wonder why so many poor people live north of the park? Because the money can't get to them. Clearly cars also need to go through Central Park faster. To achieve this goal, NY FUC-U demands consideration of our plan to extend Sixth and Seventh Avenue from 59th Street to Harlem, perhaps with pedestrian overpasses. (See pic on right of the new "People's Park®") Queens Blvd, which is too perfect to change, would serve as a perfect roll model for North Sixth and Seventh Avenues.

7) Everyone agrees the biggest problem of Central Park, except for bicycles, is that it's too wide. The most valuable real estate in the city is not on the tax rolls. The park could be even more "green" with a nice field of grass between 6th and 7th Avenues? How much damn grass do you need? Probably less if you weren't smoking it all the time.

8) You can't stop progress. We already have the space, we're just not using it! Central Park should be developed by big-box stores. Minor public subsidies could pay for needed infrastructure improvement, such as free parking.

Not only is there plenty of room for parking, but this is a way to bring real minimum-wage retail jobs back into the city. Currently poor people have to drive to North Bergen, New Jersey for the best bargains at New York's nearest Walmart. Central Park is a much more convenient. NY FUC-U recognizes the class issues inherent in redeveloping Central Park. Poor people need to shop for the cheapest possible goods at all times. Rich people and hipsters enjoy the park because they have the money to spend time doing nothing.

Get a job, you bums!

It is time for the rich to give something to the poor. And nobody says giving like Walmart.

God Bless and Merry Christmas,
New Yorkers For Urban Cars, United

p.s. Of course we have a facebook page. Won't you "like"?

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